Sink or Swim

A novel

‘HIGHLY COMMENDED’ 2013 FAW NATIONAL LITERARY AWARDS – CHRISTINA STEAD AWARD FOR FICTION. Through a combination of bad luck and poor decisions a once privileged grazing family are forced from their historic property. Relocation to a coastal caravan park provides benefits for some and consequences for others, dire consequences. The high cost of low life!

I recently received an urgent SMS a from a gal pal (let’s call her Darl because, well, that’s what I call her) saying she was halfway through a novel I simply had to read. It was about a farming family (of which we know many) in Australia’s Riverina who fall on hard times and end up living in a caravan / trailer park. There were old homesteads, country polo tournaments, boarding schools and even Florence Broadhurst wallpaper. The protagonist’s extended family lived in exclusive Palm Beach (Australia’s – Malibu like – surf beach enclave) adding to the intriguingly elitist tone.

It sounded like just the light, airy and rollicking read I needed to cheer myself up in the depths of winter. Pure escapism.

Author Owen Ravenscroft’s challenging novel Sink or Swim is available now to download on Itunes and Amazon. I highly recommend it!

What Darl and I didn’t know was the second half of the book was going to take us on a journey neither of us foreshadowed.

So dark, so unexpected, so traumatic were some passages we simply had to persist and keep reading. The sipping of champagne at Riverina Polo soon gave way to anally injecting heroin in a filthy cabin. (Among other twists we didn’t see coming)

At the end Darl turned to Pinterest for diversion and respite. I had to walk to the beach to clear my mind. If I didn’t live 800 kilometres from Darl, I’m sure a live debrief would’ve involved several Riverina Semillion Blancs.

As the days passed we found we were still talking about the novel. We were also increasingly beside ourselves the family were forced to live in a caravan park even though the extended family were reasonably wealthy.

Surely the protagonist’s rather well-to-do brother could’v’e helped them to buy a small country cottage in the Riverina. Perhaps in leafy Cootamundra with a good school for the children and agricultural work available around the district for a hard working ex-farmer. Surely!

Wouldn’t you help a family member who’d gone broke or would you ship them off to a caravan park?

Cootamundra in the Riverina is a four hour drive west of Sydney

Cootamundra is a gorgeous town in Australia’s Riverina district with a population of around 5,000. Although a functioning town supporting the local farming industry it also has a thriving main street. Good coffee and excellent local food abounds. There’s also a sense of sunny optimism. Just the sort of place to retreat to after losing a financial battle with a national bank.

Cootamundra main street with colonial architecture and characterful retail stores

Cootamundra, New South Wales AUSTRALIA

USD$57,000

This two bedroom home in central Cootamundra has good bones and is crying out for an update.

Ready for a revamp

Forget the colour of the walls and mantle begging to be removed. The original timber floors are the diamond of this house awaiting a good polish.

Back yard with a lovely big tree and an easily removed shed

The Cootamundra cottage may be one of the cheapest homes in Australia but I think it has some hidden potential. The facade reminds me of a Cape Cod classic.

Cape Cod style home

Just the style of house to suit some Florence Broadhurst wallpaper.

I’d take it before I let my family live in a caravan park with heroin addicts. I really would.

Post Script: As I complete this post I note the Cootamundra house has gone under offer.

The One About Sluts, Surveys and Soft-Spots

How I miss the cast of FRIENDS (Ross, Phoebe, Rachel, Chandler, Monica and “ladies’ man” Joey). Photograph Annie Leibovitz

When the pilot of FRIENDS was filmed twenty years ago, panicked NBC executives descended on its Burbank studio to express a rather disturbing concern to co-creators Marta Kauffman and David Crane. NBC regarded the character Monica (played so deliciously by Courtney Cox) a little too, well, slutty for American TV audiences.

Kauffman and Crane disagreed fervently and as a compromise allowed the pilot audience to be surveyed. NBC staffers then handed out cards to each audience member inquiring if they found the Monica – sleeping with someone on the first date – story line offensive. According to the finale interview with Matt Lauer, the questionnaire started something like this:

Do you think Monica – for sleeping with a man on the first date – is:

A) a whore

B) a slut

C) a tramp

D) your dream date

Nice.

Curiously NBC was soothed by the result. Monica’s – bizarrely and unnecessarily slut shamed – character was subsequently allowed to proceed unchanged and unchained.

All this before the second episode was in the can.

Joey was a ‘ladies man’ and Monica was a ‘slut’? Has much changed in 20 years?

Even though I remain an utterly devoted FRIENDS enthusiast, I continue to be annoyed by that disclosure for several reasons.

First, the character Joey “How You Doin” Tribbiani had regular one night stands. Even when we could’t see him having one we could assume that he was, just somewhere else. How peculiar network executives weren’t scared of Joey.

Second, the survey was so biased and skewed toward heterosexual men that it was hardly a valid question at all. How would a gay man respond to it? Women of any sexual preference? If I was in the audience that auspicious day I would’ve been highly offended by the question rather Monica’s perceived promiscuity.

Third, Monica was so much more than just her love-life. She was absolutely a feminist, a professional chef navigating the NYC culinary boys club, a nurturer who generously encouraged her friends to use her home like a hotel, a highly organised organiser and confident confidant. Monica also liked to win, particularly when she was competing against herself.

She was also the character I most connected with.

Monica cleans her vacuum with a vacuum. Like it or not she did everything with pride, conviction and engaging physical humour.

Monica and I shared many things, including our love of Chandler. Chandler was definitely my FRIENDS crush, sweater vest and all (Joey could be a little too vague and Ross liked dinosaurs). To me Chandler was intelligent, handsome and endlessly witty. He was also proud of Monica’s feminist viewpoint which of course makes him ever so manly.

The One with Ross’ Tan. “I’m an eight?”

Chandler was my soft spot, particularly in the latter seasons.

So when I came across this private island you’ll understand I couldn’t resist considering it for a weekend home.

Chandler Island

Maine, USA

USD$39,999

Much like the character, Chandler Island is an intriguing and quirky prospect off the coast of Maine, USA.

Maine itself is located across the Bay of Fundy from Nova Scotia (Anne of Green Gables). It’s known for bountiful lobsters, picturesque New England villages and rugged outdoor activities. Maine certainly is for the adventurous (code for deck yourself out in The North Face gear).

Maine borders Canada on the east coast

Sunny summers and winters requiring woolly sweaters and wellies

The realtor describes the island as thus.

Located in picturesque Wohoa Bay, Maine, 30 miles east of Acadia National Park, 70 miles southeast from Bangor and 230 boat miles northeast of Boston MA is quaint Chandler Island. It is one of the smaller Maine islands at “an acre more or less” (according to the deed). Which means at low tide it is a lot more, while the high tide area is only about half an acre: the size of an average suburban yard. The island is nestled protected in the bay, but does have line-of-sight of the open ocean. The island can be reached by boat at all times, docking between main and sandy- beach island, and even by foot at very low tide, when the water is only waist-deep.

First let me say half an acre of above-tide-land is much larger than average suburban yards where I come from. Half an acre is large enough for at least 6 tennis courts and I can’t help but wonder where the realtor lives if she thinks that is an average size yard.

Maine perhaps?

A private island called Chandler? Oh yes please!

Chandler island is bigger than it looks

There’s no reason – with a little elbow grease – Chandler Island couldn’t end up looking like Beldon Island, Connecticut below, is there?

Beldon Island, CT is for sale through Sotherby’s for USD$3,950,000

If you don’t fly your own flag who will?

So we’ll need a petite cape style cottage and some landscaping. Perhaps a wooden jetty and some sand to build a small beach. The house and landscaping will have to cost less than $60,000 if we’re to stay in budget, so we may have to think teeny tiny. This Tumbleweed Loring Cottage may just be the ticket and since Tumbleweed are the pioneers of the – much publicised – Tiny House Movement, we know it will be highly functional. And oh so cute.

The Tumbleweed Loring cottage may just come in budget and isn’t it divine?

Just adorable! All we need on our private island.

Sure it will be a lot of work developing this one.

But if I really am like Monica then it’s my destiny to fix a Chandler don’t you think?

I don’t care that it’s ridiculous. I’ll take it.

(Before some outrageously intrepid Kayakers beat me to it.)